I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
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I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Huge, if true.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.