I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
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haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.