Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

Important