Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

My safe word is Worcestershire

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.