Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

🙅🏻

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

Wolves should really raise more people.

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

This pepper has seen some shit

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.