Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

was Jim off killing horses or…

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.