people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
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I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
Ok who’s got my black socks?
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]