People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
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Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon