People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
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Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty