People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
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Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
i think both sides are to blame here
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
