People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
You Might Also Like
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.