Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.