People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
You Might Also Like
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.