Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.