Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

My love language is hissing.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”