People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
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God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
plant them where lol
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Shouldn’t autocorrect be called autoassume?
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.