Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?