People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
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Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
who named him groot and not spruce lee
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.