Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

you know what ruined my childhood? children

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand