People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
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When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
rip to my favourite tweet
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.