People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
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Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight