People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
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[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
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If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Sign of the day..
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Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking