People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
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Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Doggies just call it style.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
also my go-to takeaway order
bought wrong eggs
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…