People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
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[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Fidel Castro was alive?
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.