People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
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if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Awesome parenting 😂
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I am having an out of money experience.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
spicy snake
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Ladies, why y’all do this?
