People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
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Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
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NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.