People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
You Might Also Like
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Cake safety first. Always.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
It do be feeling this way.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
