People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
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We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
How is it still this week?
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Coffee is ready.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.