People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
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Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.