Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

Mornin

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.