People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
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*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
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I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates