People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
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Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
When you kidnap a writer.
😅😅😅
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
They’re really bad with fonts.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Be vigilant
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead