People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
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one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Lmao
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
#oldknees
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels