Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

Voodoo map

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

Not all heroes wear capes.

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.