Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

…u ok Nintendo?

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.