People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
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me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Mornin
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
