Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Is….Is this an option?

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!