Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

The Weeknd is back

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.