People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
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Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.