People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
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Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine