People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
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I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Ape together strong
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)