People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
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I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
they split up moments later
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.