Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.