People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
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Woke up against my better judgement again
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too