People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
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God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.