People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
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I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby