People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
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adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Uh oh…
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy