People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
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“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
do horses think humans are hats
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
this chia pet tastes awful
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
😤😤
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.