“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
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Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Time heals everything 🙂
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
This rocks
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.