Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

when nothing goes right… go left

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.