Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

When ur friends with white people

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security