People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
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“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
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