Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this