People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
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Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
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I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer