People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
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I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
This pepper has seen some shit
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I’m crying im so happy for them
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home