Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be