People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
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Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
they really do be looking like this
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes