People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
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I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
this was very charming
