People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
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*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
We avoided this particular disaster
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’