Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

dril cadence

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

what do you want!!!!!!!!

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away

A bird: you’ve got me there

Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is

A bird: pardon

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.