Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

My boss called in sick of me