Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god