“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
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Now, where’s the sport in that?
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?