People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
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My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
👍
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet