Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.

-me sharing my fries

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next