people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
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Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.