people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
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Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Omg 🤣
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says