People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
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You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.