People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
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ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”