Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

ME: i’m depressed

FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better

ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

Stop sending me this shit.