Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

Basically, any European coat of arms:

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.